


Starting Over

by literally_no_idea



Category: Iron Fist (TV), The Defenders (Marvel TV)
Genre: Bisexual Danny Rand, Bisexual Male Character, Hurt Danny Rand, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, POV Danny Rand, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 11:07:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14567700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/literally_no_idea/pseuds/literally_no_idea
Summary: My third boyfriend, but fifth partner, Luke is the first person I know for certain I want to be in love with. When he laughs, I want to laugh with him, when he tells me he loves me, I want to love myself too. We’ve been dating for three months now, and I want to fall in love with him, but I'm not sure I'm ready to do that just yet.





	Starting Over

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally written as a first draft for my english class, but it’s basically just a fanfic so. yep that’s about it.
> 
> i wish i could say this story wasn’t basically self-insert writing but i basically just projected myself onto danny
> 
> it’s first person POV, but even if that’s not your thing maybe give it a chance? you don’t have to but i’d really love it if you did

    My third boyfriend, but fifth partner, Luke is the first person I know for certain I want to be in love with. When he laughs, I want to laugh with him, when he tells me he loves me, I want to love myself too. We’ve been dating for three months now, and I want to fall in love with him, but I'm not sure I'm ready to do that just yet.

“Boop, here you go, ready for the best movie marathon of your life?”

Luke kisses my hair as he walks in, carrying two hot chocolates and the warmest smile with him. I take one of the mugs, and give a smile in return. “I don't know about ‘best,’ my dad and I used to have some pretty amazing movie marathons. You haven't lived until you've seen every single Hobbit and Lord of the Rings movie back to back in one day.”

“Hmm, you'll have to teach me how to live someday, then. But for now, move your butt, I’m not watching sappy love movies with my boyfriend from the floor.” We settle in, side by side, and start the first movie.

By the fourth movie, the seventh round of hot chocolate, and the twelfth trip to the bathroom between the two of us (“pause it for me!” “no way, you've seen it already, and you take forever.” “ugh, rude…”) the movies are more ridiculous than romantic, and I start a running commentary.

“‘Bella, I sparkle,’ ‘I sometimes turn into a furry male instead of a shaved one,’ Honestly, why wasn't the movie just a gay romance instead?”

“Danny, oh my god!”

“You know it's true! We could have been the actors, too. One sparkly gay, one furry gay, there, problem solved!”

Luke’s laughing, and even I smile as he leans in closer for a kiss. Warmth spreads along my cheeks, radiating out from where his smile meets mine. It’s perfect, like resting in a warm patch of sunlight on a lazy day. He wraps his arms around me, pulls me into a tighter hug, but now the sun comes too close, setting me on fire.

 —

There’s hands around my waist, kisses spreading along my cheek, down to my neck, hot breath heavy on my skin, burning my lungs. I reach my hands up, one of the hands on my waist disappears and pins my hands above my head, laughter in my ears and cotton in my brain.

—

“Danny?”

A cool rush of air, and the laughter is gone, but my heart is still pounding, thumping hard enough against my ribs to bruise.

Luke stands a few steps away, rocking back and forth on his feet, hands fidgeting at his sides. “Is everything okay? You froze for a moment, I thought I did something wrong.”

“No, no you're fine, it’s fine, you didn't do anything wrong. I just got lost in the moment.”

He hesitates before reaching forward, but seems to decide against it at the last second and drops his hands back to his sides. “Are you sure? If I made you uncomfortable-”

“You didn't, really. I just remembered something, that's all. You know how distracted I get.” I don't want to elaborate. I want to enjoy tonight, and pretend, if only for a moment, that everything is normal, that I’m normal. The truth won't go away, but maybe it can wait for a little while longer.

I wait, listening to the distant sound of the movie still playing, until Luke sighs, not pushing the topic any further. He turns back to the movie, and I let go of the breath I was holding.

 —

A hand against my chest pushes me against the wall, hands on my shoulders until I’m sinking to my knees, into the water, into a panic. “Stop, no, what are you doing, get off of me, stop it!” The words don't make it far, settling like water in my lungs and leaving me gasping and choking for help, for air, for life. My fingernails scratch desperately at the arms holding me down, and I'm begging, pleading, for a way out, a way home.

 —

Hands tighten around my shoulders, shaking me back and forth, and a voice appears over the sound of rustling fabric. “Shh, Danny, please, wake up, just wake up, talk to me, come on, it's okay, wake up, please-”

Oh. I’m awake. I'm awake, so I must have fallen asleep at Luke’s house. I’m on the couch, and still in yesterday’s clothes, a fact that brings me more comfort that it probably should. Luke’s still talking when I open my eyes, and it's not until I say his name that he opens his eyes, too.

“Christ, Danny, what happened, are you okay? You were gasping for breath, I tried to wake you up and you started screaming, telling me to stop, I didn't know what to do, I think I might have made it worse, and you were upset last night, too, is this too much? Should I be taking things slower? Just tell me, please, I don't ever want to hurt you,” Luke’s crying now, eyes closed, and I wish he were angry, at least then I would know what to do. 

Instead, I try to find an explanation, anything other than truth, because I don't want to hurt him tonight any more than I already have. But there’s tears burning lines down his face, and bright red scratches running down his arms, and there's nothing I can say that will help ease that pain; if there were, we wouldn’t be here to begin with. The truth it is, then.

“You’ve never hurt me. Not like that, anyway. Sure, we’ve argued, but you've never gone too far, asked for too much. And you didn't make it worse, trust me, those nightmares get worse no matter what happens or who’s there. Sometimes I’m hurting, but not because of you, because of Her. She asked for too much, and She went too far, but you aren't Her.”

Luke looks at me, eyes wide. “She, as in-?”

“No, no. Not her. She maybe wasn’t the best girlfriend, but she wasn't Her.”

“Then who?”

It's a long story, but he listens, waits patiently when I stop, trying to find the words without losing my surroundings. When I've told him everything I can remember, he asks why I hadn't told him before; I don't have an answer to that, not yet at least, and I tell him that too.

Luke nods, and he seems to be thinking things over, so I listen to the clock tick while I wait. Finally, he stands, and I brace myself for the worst, preparing apologies and goodbyes I've said enough times to have them memorized by now, but I don't have a response memorized for the question he asks instead.

“So, do you want to finish our movie marathon? We already watched six of the nine, though I'm pretty sure you fell asleep halfway through the last one, so we should probably rewatch that one. And maybe some more hot chocolate? But only if you promise to pause the movie when I have to pee.”

“...Danny?”

I look up, and Luke is standing nearby, fiddling with a loose thread on the arm of the couch. I don't know how long it’s been since his first question, but he's still here, waiting, ready to listen to my answer, and I have that answer now; he leaves to make hot chocolate, and I think my answer over. I want to laugh when he laughs, I want to love myself as much as he loves me, and I want to love him, but I don't want to fall in love. I want to walk into love, step by step, and enjoy every moment of it, and I want to do that together.


End file.
